


Hijinks at the Gold Saucer

by MoonlightTyger



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997)
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Drunken Shenanigans, F/M, Family Fluff, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:47:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28635744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightTyger/pseuds/MoonlightTyger
Summary: Wherein Sephiroth does not know what a Costa Del Sol Iced Tea is...and does not remember what alcohol does to his bio-engineered body. Rated T for alcohol usage. [Follows the canon of the original 1997 game and Compilation, not necessarily the Remake’s.]
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Hijinks at the Gold Saucer

_This fic essentially comes at the behest of my friend, who is eternally entertained by the popular fanon idea that Sephiroth's bio-engineered body is hilariously and adversely affected by alcohol XD_

_Thanks to rai0sun for letting me bounce some creative ideas off her, giving my creative cogs a first jumpstart and picking the name of the monster mascot._ _Thanks to LuckyLadybug for giving my creative cogs a second jumpstart and writing the ficlet "Gnome Hunting"—which helped inspire the scene with the monster mascot, though mine ended up taking a_ very _different turn—"Redemption of Broken Wings", and "Massage Therapy", which headcanoned for me the sad but entirely logical idea that pre-Nibelheim Sephiroth has scars all over his back._

 _This fic takes place about five months after the conclusion of my main FFVII work,_ Those Who Have Been Broken _, four-ish months after my_ _Valentine's Day short, 'Minerva's Feast'. It takes place almost two years after the conclusion of_ Dirge of Cerberus. _What you need to know of TWHBB to understand this story are:_

 _1) Sephiroth has, through a series of (my) in-universe events, regained his sanity and his hero status has been restored;  
2) Due to events in the canon work "On the Way to a Smile: Case of the Lifestream - Black" Sephiroth's memories of his past are few, far between, and hazy;  
3) He works mainly for the WRO, but also as a more direct hire for Rufus Shin-Ra, whose need to make penance is not so different from Sephiroth's own;  
4) His physical form is that of _Advent Children _; as such, he does not need to blink, nor he does he breathe except for that which is required to talk;  
5) Cloud, in an act of utter mercy, has invited Sephiroth to stay at Seventh Heaven._

 _ **DISCLAIMER:**_ _I do not own_ Final Fantasy VII _or any of its Compilation. I am merely a fan who hasn't had her fill of these awesome characters; this is a story written for pleasure only,_ not _profit. All rights belong to Square-Enix; character designs © Tetsuya Nomura._

_Please enjoy :)_

* * *

"He can."

"He can't."

"He can."

"He _can't_."

"There's never been any reports on SOLDIERs _not_ being able to hold their liquor," Rude insisted.

"Sephiroth ain't no ordinary SOLDIER," Reno countered. "I know what I heard, man. He never went out with the guys."

"He was probably out with Genesis and Angeal."

" _Drinking_ with any of the guys. Now why do you suppose that is?"

"Not everyone likes booze, Reno," Rude said, glancing around at the rest of the Ghost Inn. Some drinkers, but plenty of families, too. The Gold Saucer was busy this time of year: schools out, hot days followed by hot nights. The perfect time to enjoy roller coasters and cotton candy and lemonade (or the harder versions, as in the Turks' case). Reno waved at someone.

"Hey, Strife!" Rude groaned as the redhead gestured him over. He could _hear_ Cloud rolling his eyes as he walked to their table. "Just the man we wanted to see!"

"'We'?" Rude repeated, quirking an eyebrow. The blond crossed his arms, already annoyed. He was dressed casually: just his sleeveless turtleneck and black pants, none of the more elaborate add-ons he usually had.

"What do you want?"

"Ah, c'mon—don't be like that!" Reno protested. "I just want ya to settle a little debate for me, here." Rude massaged the bridge of his nose. Yep, Reno was going for it.

"What debate?"

"Sephiroth lives with you, right? Is it true he can't hold his liquor?" Cloud gave him a blank look.

"I dunno," he replied. "I mean, I've never seen him _drink_ , but he says this form really doesn't _have_ to…" This particular body was the same as his other form, the form that had fought with Cloud over the Midgar ruins. Sephiroth didn't even really need to _breathe_ except for the air required to _talk_.

"You sure he just doesn't eat when you're around?"

"What purpose would that even serve?" Cloud became annoyed. Reno had come up with some wild ideas but _this_ had to be one of the wildest. What did it matter, anyway? "Is this all you wanted? 'Cause I promised Marlene and Denzel I'd take them to—"

"You think he's a happy drunk, a sad drunk, or an angry drunk?"

"I think _you're_ drunk," Cloud said. "Look, he's here, too...why are you asking me?"

"He's scary."

Cloud rolled his eyes. "Look, you wanna know something about Sephiroth, just ask him yourself."

"Ask me what?" Reno turned to see the 'scary' man in question. Like Cloud, he was dressed casually (well, casually for Sephiroth): a black leather outfit more akin to Loz's, in lieu of his longer black battle-jacket. He didn't have his pauldrons, either.

"They wanna know if it's true you can't hold your liquor," Cloud asked with no hesitation whatsoever. Reno's eyes widened, while Sephiroth raised an eyebrow.

Yep, _scary_.

"What purpose would that serve?" the ex-general asked.

"They're drunk and bored," Cloud replied, not bothering to try and conceal the irritation leaking over the S-cells.

" _I_ am still sober," Rude protested. He had had _one_ beer. _One._

"So can you or can't you hold it?" Reno asked.

"Neither. I don't drink. I don't understand what the appeal of it is and it's horrible on your liver."

"But you said you don't _remember_ most of your human years," Reno said. Cloud's eyes narrowed. "So how do you know you didn't like it or try it in the past?"

"Whether I did or didn't in the past has no bearing on my thinking _now_. And I highly doubt I would have felt any differently about it then." Zack and Aerith and Angeal found more and more of his missing memories every other week. They were not fully restored yet, but every week brought him a little bit closer.

Then there were stupid questions like _this_.

"Aw, c'mon, you're not the least bit curious to find out what kinda drunk you'd be?"

"No."

"Just drop it, Reno," Cloud said, and the Turk shrugged.

"Here's your Costa Del Sol Iced Tea, man," the bartender called out, and Cloud's eyes widened as Sephiroth went to pick it up.

"Uh, Sephiroth, I don't think you want to drink that—" Cloud winced as the man took a long draw on the straw. In the next instant, he was coughing and gagging.

" _That_ is the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted," he said. "They call this 'tea'?"

"Yeah, they _call_ it tea," Reno laughed. "It doesn't have a drop of tea in it! Just booze." Well, it looked like his birthday had come early this year!

"It has…" The ex-general's face scrunched up and he bent over the counter. Of all the things he'd _chosen_ to remember in his insanity, why on Gaia did _this_ have to be one thing he'd _forget?!_

"Sephiroth?" Cloud gently grasped the other's shoulder. "You doin' okay?" Reno and Rude rose from their seats and came over, too; for all the redhead's teasing, he hadn't wanted Sephiroth to get _ill_ over the drink.

"You _really_ didn't know what a Costa Del Sol Iced Tea is?"

"No," he groaned. He shook his head and coughed again; abruptly, he stalked out of the hotel bar.

"Sephiroth?" Cloud hurried to follow, bursting through the doors after his former commander. "Sephiroth?!" The blond scanned the crowds and carnival lights, but even his enhanced vision could make out nothing. Seriously?! The ex-general's black clothes blended into the night, but the bright lights of the Saucer's attractions would surely reflect off that silver hair….

"What happened?" Reno and Rude exited as well. "Hey...where'd he go?"

"No idea…" Cloud said. Memories that were not his rose in his mind...Sephiroth rushing out of a secret basement-laboratory in a crazed haze...wooden rooftops ablaze...the stench of blood and smoke...

"Cloud?" Tifa approached him, and he shook himself. She was not unconscious...she was not injured. She had not been cut down by a lengthy sword. "Are you all right?" She stood directly in front of him now, brown eyes filling with worry. "Cloud?!" He shook himself again.

"Yeah...I'm fine." He sighed at her raised eyebrows. " _Really._ Listen, have you seen Sephiroth? He just choked on a Costa Del Sol Iced Tea and then rushed out of the bar…"

"He had a _what_?" Tifa asked then, eyes wide. "I didn't even think he could drink alcohol…"

"I knew it!"

"Can it, Reno." Cloud massaged the bridge of his nose. "He didn't...realize it had alcohol in it..."

"...He didn't know it had..." Tifa's eyes grew wid _er_. They _served_ those at Seventh Heaven! "H-how...could he... _not_ know…"

"No idea," Cloud answered. "I just know I don't have a great feeling about this…"

"...Can't you just use your Jenova cells or whatever to find him?" Reno asked. "I mean, you two know what the other's thinkin', right?"

"I'm not gonna read his thoughts," Cloud said, growing more annoyed. Thus far, Sephiroth had kept his word to not (intentionally) read Cloud's mind; the blond was not about to turn that into a one-way street. They caught each other's emotions at times, but that could not always be helped.

"You dun have ta read his _thoughts,"_ Reno protested. "Just use your magic link to find a drunk guy who— _holy_ crap!" Reno jumped a mile as green Lifestream-aura rose beside him and manifested into a tall ex-SOLDIER.

"Zack?!" Cloud's eyes widened. "What are _you_ doing here?!"

"Is that any way to greet your old buddy?" Zack laughed, then sobered. "You looked like you were about to have a panic attack. What's the matter? Are the kids okay?"

"To my knowledge, yeah…no, it's Sephiroth—"

"He didn't go nuts again?!"

"No, he just downed two sips of a Costa Del Sol Iced Tea and stalked away...and literally disappeared into thin air."

Silence.

"...He had a _what?"_ Zack asked, eyes like saucers while his mouth spread to a nervous grin.

" _What?_ " Cloud gave Zack a Look. What was the matter? What happened when—

"Eheh...well…Seph doesn't really...do well with alcohol…."

Reno looked at Rude, smirking. He spread his arms wide. "Told ya." Cloud glared at him.

"Reno, I _swear…._ "

"What?" the redhead protested. "I didn't—hey." He tapped Cloud, then pointed to where a worker stood in a Tonberry costume, brandishing its oversized plastic Chef's Knife in a comically threatening fashion. "Ask him."

"'Scuse me," Cloud waved, and the 'Tonberry' turned. "Have you seen a silver-haired guy running around here? Looks like the hero Sephiroth?" The costumed character pointed down the midway.

" _Scrreeeee!"_

"Marlene!" All five adults rushed in the direction of the shriek.

"I thought you said you could only manifest yourself in spots where the Lifestream runs strongest," Cloud commented, running through the midway.

"I said it's _easiest_ to," Zack clarified, running alongside him. "I just happened to be in the area already."

"Talk later! Find Marlene now!" Tifa shouted.

...There! Beyond the ice cream stand and past the Screamin' Marlboro ride...by the fountain, Cloud could see a crowd of people gathering….

" _Gaia,_ Cloud!" Tifa pointed: above the _trees_ , a falling blur of white! Marlene!

" _Marlene!"_ Cloud ran as she continued to fall…he wouldn't make it!

...And she landed safely into the arms of a silver-haired, black-clad man, giggling and laughing.

So was _he_.

"Again, again!" she said, clapping.

"No fair, Marlene! I want a turn!" Denzel's voice cried. "That's better than any roller coaster in this place!"

"Me next, me next!" another child cried.

"Sephiroth, what are you _doing?!_ "

"Marlene didn't want to wait two hours to get on Escape the Echuilles ride, so I decided to make my own version of it," he said, voice uncharacteristically carefree.

"By _throwing_ her twenty feet into the air?!"

"You're right," Sephiroth said, then looked at Marlene. "Let's go for _fifty_ feet this time!"

"Yeah!"

"Sephiroth, don't you dare!" Tifa said, running forward.

"You let her go flying with me all the time," he replied, levitating both of them out of her reach. "That time she was just flying by herself."

"She _can't_ fly by herself!"

"Well, that's why I was helping her."

"Aw, c'mon, Sephiroth— _I_ want a turn!" Denzel whined again.

"Sure, why not?" Sephiroth said, completely at ease. "Everyone can have a turn!"

"Yaaaaaayyy!" A happy chorus arose from the children present, followed by their parents' protesting and shutting down _that_ train of thought _right_ then and there.

"Sephiroth, you come back down here _right_ now," Cloud said. "We're going back to the hotel so you can sleep off that alcohol."

"No. I'm having fun."

"Sephiroth, get _down_ here," Zack added, louder.

"You had my answer the first time," Sephiroth said. Still holding Marlene, he did a flip in midair.

"Do it again! Do it again! Do it again!" Marlene cheered.

"Sephiroth, if you don't come _down_ , _I'm_ coming _up_ ," Cloud threatened, crouching his legs to jump.

"Okay, okay…" The silver-haired man landed, setting Marlene on the ground. Tifa pulled the little girl to her.

"How on _Gaia_ could you think that was a smart idea?!" she snapped. He shrugged.

"I'm afraid I don't understand your anxiety," Sephiroth said. "I'll have you know I caught her _every_ time."

"Sephiroth, come on," Cloud said, grabbing his arm. "You and I are going back to the Inn—"

"I'm hot," the ex-SOLDIER said, breaking from Cloud's hold. "Oh—a pond! I think I'll go for a swim..."

"Sephiroth, that's not a pond, that's a _fountain_ —" Too late. The ex-general had undone his shirt and flopped backwards into the water with a splash.

(Several women in the crowd also flopped backwards with sudden onset of nosebleeds.)

"What's going on here?" Tseng appeared, Elena in tow, and Cloud fought the urge to slap a hand to his face. Did _everyone_ in Shin-Ra all decide to vacation at the same time and all _here?!_

...Vincent had mentioned he was on bodyguard duty this week. Yep, now Cloud knew why.

"Sephiroth, get _out_ of there." Cloud growled in annoyance and nodded at Zack. Both stalked forward into the fountain, each taking Seph by an arm and yanking him up out of the water. (Tifa blushed and looked away.)

"What?" Sephiroth said. "Water's cold. I was hot."

"Yeah, that's not a problem water's going to solve…" Elena muttered under her breath. Tseng harrumphed and crossed his arms. Reno snorted, and Rude gave him a Look.

"What? She ain't wrong...none of us can hold a candle to him and it ain't like we don't all know it..."

"Thank you, Reno—I'm glad you approve," Sephiroth said, and Zack nearly dropped him. Seph was _proud_ of his looks, true...but he'd never actively shown them off while sane (it helped, certainly, that this body held none of the scars that he routinely hid with his battle-jacket and gloves. Scars wrought of mad scientists' whimsy were evidently _not_ befitting of a god...they should not be befitting of _anybody_ ). Reno snapped his fingers and gave the ex-general a thumbs-up, while Cloud grumbled and grabbed hold of his former commander again, his long arms harder to hang on to for being wet with fountain-water.

"C'mon, big guy‚" Zack said. "Let's go—"

"Psst—Zack! _Zack!"_ Sephiroth tugged insistently at Zack's arm, and the taller man looked to where he pointed.

"I see the character monster, Seph," he said.

"It's a Tonberry!"

"It's just a guy in a costume—"

"Or perhaps that's what it _wants_ you to think."

"Dude, you're _drunk_. Let's go."

"No! Drunk or not, I have a duty to protect these people." Sephiroth sighed, nodding to himself. "Well then, I suppose I have no choice—"

"You're not gonna summon Masamune?" Cloud asked, getting a firmer grip on the older man's arm.

"Of course not. I can't wave it around in a crowd like this; that would be irresponsible." A red glow formed in his hand, " _Firag—"_

"Sephiroth, no!" Zack shoved the ex-general's arm down before he could fire. The Tonberry rapidly waved his arms and took off his character head.

" _I'm not a Tonberry!_ " he screamed. "My name is Ben! _Ben!_ "

"Oh! Excellent. We're safe, then."

"I almost _wasn't!_ " Ben-the-Tonberry shouted. "You're crazy!"

"It's not my fault you're dressed like a Tonberry," Sephiroth replied matter-of-factly. "What was I supposed to do?"

"Not try and _barbecue_ me for one thing—"

"Alright, alright!" Cloud broke in. "Look, tell your boss or whatever that Tonberries aren't exactly cuddly. Secondly, this guy's drunk off his rocker—least he was tryin' to protect everyone else. Thirdly"—he looked at Sephiroth, who had _finally_ settled down—"you _are_ drunk, you _are_ causing a scene, and if we weren't all connected to Shin-Ra they'd have kicked us out already. Now you're going to— _whoa!_ " Sephiroth pitched backwards again, eyes closed. While Zack and Cloud managed to stop him from falling completely into the water, the same could not be said for his hair, and at least a foot of silver pooled in the fountain.

"He won't like his hair getting in there...it's dirty…" Marlene commented.

"He's too hammered to know the difference. He okay?" Cloud asked, looking at Zack. This form of Sephiroth's didn't breathe unless he was talking, but given that the raven-haired man was still technically _dead_ he could sense 'currents' that Cloud could not.

"He even _alive?_ " Reno chimed in. Marlene gave Tifa a horrified look, and the brunette glared at the Turk.

" _What?!_ "

"Don't say that stuff around the kids."

"What stuff?"

"Don't worry Marlene—he's fine," Zack said, himself and Cloud maneuvering Sephiroth up and onto Zack's back. Tseng also stepped forward to help, and to make up for his earlier comments, so did Reno. "He did this once before, years ago in Kalm," Zack said. "He ordered a Kalm Koffee and didn't know that meant they put liquor in it. He took one sip, choked, danced on a table for about five minutes then passed clean out. Didn't remember a thing when he woke up."

Silence. Then howls of laughter from a redheaded Turk.

**.:I:I:V:I:I:.**

Light cracked through the window-shades of the Ghost Inn. Slowly, Sephiroth stirred. Ugh, he felt _awful_. What on Gaia had _happened_ last night? He felt like he'd tousled with a Tonberry and _lost._

"You're awake," a familiar voice drawled. To his left, Cloud sat in a chair next to him, feet propped up on the bed. Light amusement and genuine concern drifted over the S-cells, and the silver-haired man slowly rose to sit up. Ugh. When was the last time his stomach had felt so off?! He could not recall a time, though perhaps that had been a memory he'd chosen to let go...such things wouldn't seem befitting for a god, after all…

"How you feelin'?"

"Like I've been Poisoned, Paralyzed _and_ Burned all at once…" _Ugh._ It was a good thing this form didn't actually have to eat...he doubted he'd be able to keep anything down!

"So you really _don't_ remember, huh?" Cloud asked, and Sephiroth turned his head to stare at the blond. Yes, there was definitely a bit of amusement in there… "I guess Zack wasn't kidding."

"Zack was here?" Sephiroth's eyes widened. That usually meant something _serious_. "What happened? I can't recall a single thing that took place yesterday…" He sniffed. _Whoa._ "And why does my hair smell like the Midgar marsh?"

"Well…" The ex-general's eyes widened as Cloud relayed the events of last night. "And so we brought you here, and you've been passed out ever since."

Sephiroth laid back down and buried his head under the pillow. He was not going to live this down. Not for a long time.

* * *

**AUTHOR'S NOTES:**

(Not my best work, but I hope y'all at least found it entertaining. Sorry I'm a bit late; RL got in the way.)

So I _don't_ drink, nor have I ever quite understood the appeal. That said, _unlike_ Sephiroth, I know enough to know that a 'Costa Del Sol Iced Tea'—a.k.a., 'Long Island Iced Tea'—comes with a few specific ingredients XD I also know enough to read said ingredients before I order! ;P

A Kalm Koffee is of course based on Irish Coffee XD

‘Screamin’ Marlboro’ is loosely based on Lagoon’s ‘Space Scrambler’ ride, located in Farmington, Utah:

Off-Ride POV:  
[ https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2A-cRG8jsvQ ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2A-cRG8jsvQ)

On-Ride POV:  
[ https://youtu.be/Haf1v5JgYBQ ](https://youtu.be/Haf1v5JgYBQ)

  
‘Escape the Echuilles’ is named for/‘designed after’ the FFX monster ‘Sinspawn Echuilles’, and based on Lagoon’s “Rocket Re-Entry”:  
[ https://youtu.be/pD_UU56qiNc ](https://youtu.be/pD_UU56qiNc)

LuckyLadybug’s “Gnome Hunting”: <https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4147230/1/Gnome-Hunting>

“Redemption of Broken Wings”  
<https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3495460/1/Redemption-of-Broken-Wings>

“Massage Therapy”:  
<https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3664749/1/Massage-Therapy>

  
Thank you all for reading! Leave a review if you liked it!

Keep on Rockin' in 2021!  
~MoonlightTyger

* * *

 _Music:  
_ 'Fooling Mode'— _Naruto Original Soundtrack II  
_ 'Gold Saucer'— _Final Fantasy VII_ OST


End file.
